Spider (David Cronenberg) – Bear Film Review

I haven’t had much exposure to David Cronenburg, but what I’ve seen of his films I’ve liked very much (Scanners, EXistanZ, and of course… The Fly!). This film however took me by surprise because it was unlike these other films. There were no sci-fi elements whatsoever – it was purely psychological.

Seeing Life Through His Lenses

We follow Mr Cleg, a mentally ill man, after he has been let out from the asylum he had been hospitalised in for an undisclosed amount of time. He is taken to a safe house so that he can learn to gradually gain independence in a safe environment, along with other ex-patients. There is a woman there who I believe to be some sort of carer, but none of the people kept there really like her (one even calls her a tyrant).

The storyline dips in and out of his reality, into his memory/fantasy of a reconstruction from a specific time in his past. Like the puzzles he tries to complete in the safe house, he is trying to piece together the events that lead up to this very important event in his life, and which we the viewer are to believe is the reason he has become this broken man we see now. I liked what is friend says to the carer about why he wears four shirts all the time: “Clothes maketh the man. And the less there is of the man, the more the need of the clothes.” That broke my heart when he said that because I can feel his pain, and having meet people like this in my real life, I know too well that this saying is what many vunerable people, mentally ill or not, go through.

Mr Cleg – not the former Lib Dem MP, but the protagonist in this low budget movie – scribbles down recollections as he pictures himself in the scenes, kind of like how Ebenezer Scrooge observes those in his community when visited by the three ghosts (that reminds me – Merry Christmas people!! Subscribe and leave comments please. x). When I tried to read what he was scribbling in this book, all I can see were pencil marks that looking nothing like words. He is so paranoid someone might read this tiny book that he hides it under his bedroom carpet.

Pure Imagination

It’s peculiar to watch this man watch himself as a child. He revisits his childhood home and we see how much love he has for his mother, and how she keeps the peace at the dinner table between him and his father. His father likes to go to the pub frequently, and though the mother does go once, she is not so keen to. Eventually because of this, the boy (the his grown up self) sees that his father is starting to see another woman at the pub.

One day, his wife gets suspicious as he why his husband isn’t home yet, and so goes to the pub his frequents. It turns out that no-one has heard of him there, which she finds odd. Next, she goes to the most likely place after that where he might be: in his shed down by the allotment. She swings open the door and there he is, straddling the bimbo from the pub. The father, in fright, clouts his wife on the head with a shovel, which sends her unconscious. He are to believe that she is dead. They bury her there in the allotment patch, with the grown up version of the boy watching it all unfold. Thinking back on it now, his feels like a figment  of Mr Cleg’s imagination. I say this because why would a young boy like him be at the allotment at that time on night? But then again, his was a rather curious and intelligent boy, and so it cannot be ruled out that he was in actual fact there at the time. Damn you David Cronenburg! Damn you for making me think!

Glass is a theme in this movie. 

A glass mosaic – more symbology from his movie.

Fact? Fiction?

With this man’s imagination, it is hard to separate sometimes what is fact and what is fiction. In his reality today, he visits a cafe regularly and stares up to a poster on the wall of countryside hills. We are then transported to a scene where he is in fact in the countryside, talking with his now tenants at the same safehouse he lives at currently. Are we seeing them actually there, or are we seeing him imagining he is there? It’s hard to say for sure which.

This is the same with the ending. His real mother always told him that he was go with his hands, and so with that he devised an elaborate mechanism made entirely of rope that can be pulled from his bedroom to turn the gas stove on in the kitchen. He did this knowing fully well that his father’s lover would he in that room, possibly asleep (and drunk). Once the gas was enough to reach the upstairs, his father got his son and evacuated him from the house, then pulled out the woman onto the street. He cries to the neighbour for help but no-one comes. The scene ends with his father telling him that he’d killed his own mother, and when he looked down to see her, the face had changed to prove that his father was indeed telling the truth. This chilled me to the core.

Because he was re-enacting this in his mind, it triggered him to see that the carer in the safehouse was much like the replacement of his mother, and so should be destroyed. The moment his mind’s eye saw his father’s lover morph into his dead mother, he was in reality now standing over the carer’s bed, holding a chisel and hammer over her head. He realises what he is doing now but it is too late as the carer wakes up to see him lurking over her body. “What have you done Mr Cleg?” she says to him, and alas he is taken away back to the asylum.

In Conclusion

The mood was rather bleak throughout this minimalistic film, but though it wasn’t filled with anything massive in spectacle, it still gripped me to the very end. And that ending – I was not expecting that! I was tempted to conclude that it was him who had killed his real mother, but the ambigutity leaves one to wonder. It’s so cleverly done, so subtle, like a silent ninja piranha that knows where you live.

Just to let you know, I plan to watch this film again (once I’ve watched all of David Cronenberg’s films. Any tips on which one I should watch next?).

And because I’m the kind of guy who loves to spoil ya, here is the movie. I’d be interested to here what you think of it. X

Luther (S1 Ep2) – Bear TV Review

Rambling Hi!!!

In the second episode of Luther we see Alice (the innocent-until-proven-guilty-but-obviously-the-killer-or-her-parents—–and-dog) become more and more like Rose from Two and a Half Men, back in the days where Charlie Sheen was the uncompromising womaniser on screen. But unlike Rose, Alice is more of a threat – afterall, you never saw Rose break into the house of your estranged wife’s house like Alice does. Alice is the real deal. Rose is a wannabe. This is relevant I know, but the rest of this review is worth reading, so I’m sorry for this paragraph, but not sorry enough to delete it. Hater’s gonna hate regardless.

Anyways, enough of the subplot. Here’s the real meat for you to sink your teeth into (unless you’re vegetarian or vegan, then I wholeheartedly apologise from my caravore heart. Follow, like, comment y’all! X)

The Nitty Gritty

So we begin with a guy slumped by the side wall of an underpass, the train on the track above whizzing past as a police car comes by to expect what looks like either a homeless guy, a drunk, or both. It turns out it was none of these things I’ve just mentioned, but someone armed with a gun whom kills them both with expert precision. Who is this?

After seeing some CCTV footage back at the station of a guy near that very location and time of the shooting, from only the back of this person’s body can Luther discriminate what kind of background this murderer has, to some degree anyway. Luther declares that this man use to be in the army, and he can tell by the way he walks, and having been around many people such as this in his past.

His boss gives him a file of someone who fits the guy’s profile of killing only cops and the descriptions they have of him. The file is of a person whom cannot of done this as he is still inside behind bars for killing a previous copper, and looks too old to fit the bill. So instead Luther thinks – once shown the next file – that it could be this guy’s son, who also served in the forces but was recently released due to mental illness. To Luther, this is the killer, and you know something – he’s right again.

The next scene of crime regarding this case takes place at point blank range. He deliberately walks up to a passing female police woman and shoots her in the abdomen, with the intention of not killing her but leaving her as bait to attract more police to this location. It worked, and he starts sniping them all from the rooftops like he was playing a video game. But what kind of sick twisted mind wants to kill policemen, and what is his motivations? That’s what Luther wants to know. And the answer comes in the form of an online video.

The killer uploads a video to the web (it’s gotten a fair amount of hits already, so say one copper) and states the demands he wants in order to stop him killing anymore innocent police men and women. He wants for his father to be let out from prison as he doesn’t deserve to be in there, and did this country a great service. Luther now understands who is really behind these killings, and it isn’t the one on the screen.

The commander of the killings is the one locked away in prision: the father. He has a strangehold on his mentally unstable son and apparently use to beat him when he was younger, so much so that he made his son wet the bed constantly. The son wants to please his father and would do anything for him – joining the army, and even kill for his release. So Luther decides to pay him a little visit.

The veteran meets up with Luther in an empty prison hall and he tries to bargain with the detective that he will tell his son to stop killing if he is allowed to have his prison sentence reduced 5 years, as he believes what he did was manslaughter not murder. Luther laughs away his negotiations, telling him that this isn’t going to happen. Meanwhile, whilst they talk, this guy’s cell is being searched inside-out for clues in how he is able to communicate with his son in the outside world. It turns out that he had a mobile phone in there all along, but little do they know that this commander behind bars is still one step ahead of them. He knew that they would find the phone, and planted it there so that more policemen will be led to a building with a bomb inside. The bomb being detonated by a mobile phone call.

Luther goes back to the veteran and tries to blackmail him into giving him what he wants. And what does no prisoner want other prisoners around them to think they are? That’s right – a nonce. He slaps a brown envelope on the table between them, and the guy’s face twists in disgust at the picture he sees. He tells Luther that no-one will believe him, but Luther thinks they will as the story of how he controls his son to commit murders on behalf of himself says a lot about what their real relationship could really be like between them. The prisoner doesn’t give Luther an answer, or at least we do not see it. But it doesn’t take long for us to know what the outcome of that talk was.

In her office, the boss sees Luther on the BBC news, talking to a reporter about the gunman who is killing policemen. Everything he says is a lie, and is his way of painting himself as a target. Because he’s so smart, he also knows that the killer has been listening in to all of their police conversations, and so tells his boss over the walkie talkie where he is heading. This is a message for the killer, and he bites it hook, line, and sinker.

Outside a row of upper flats, we get the head-to-head of Luther and the gunman. Using his psychological wit to try and disarm the mentally unstable man doesn’t work and only winds him up enough to hit him in the face a few times with the butt of his gun. He still tries to use his father against him, telling him that he doesn’t have to live in his shadow anymore and that it’s him the police are after, not him, but the ex-soldier doesn’t buy it. Instead, he takes all the bullets out of his gun chamber bar one, and plays russian roulette with him. After the fifth one (empty load), Luther knows that there isn’t much time to act before the man finishes himself off, to prove he is nothing like his own father. Luther wrestles him to the ground, punching him in the face and disarms him. Job done! Of course his boss isn’t happy about him disobeying orders, but that’s what happens when you’ve got a maverick like Luther on your team. In the end, you’ve got to roll with it, like Oasis said.

So where will the next episode find us? If I was to guess I’d say the guy whom Luther decided to let fall from a great height at the beginning of episode one will come back into it, and join forces with Alice. This has already been suggested in this episode as we saw Alice playing psychological games with Luther from the guy’s bedside, telling us that he is indeed still alive. Ooo0o0o0o0o I can’t wait! Can you?

See you in a bit. Xxx

The Ridiculous 6 – Bear Film Review

Okay, I’m about to review an Adam Sandler movie. Don’t worry, I’m not one of those elitist movie snobs who says stuff like “Punch Drunk Love was the only decent movie Sandler made,” or “Jack and Jill can suck ma ballz,” because I haven’t seen it, the latter is just creepy and wrong, and because that ain’t true in my book.

The good thing when it comes to Adam Sandler movies is that you know what you’re going to get.

The bad thing when it comes to Adam Sandler movies is… that you know what you’re going to get.

If you’re interested, these are the films I’ve seen of his, and I’ve put them into three groups: the good, the bad, and the ugly (see what I done there? Nope? You will in a minute).

So off the top of my head, we have:

The Good

  1. Mr Deeds
  2. The Waterboy
  3. Punch Drunk Love
  4. Little Nicky
  5. Happy Gilmore
  6. 50 First Dates

The Bad

  1. Grown Ups
  2. Don’t Mess With The Zohan
  3. Mall Cop
  4. Click

The Ugly

  1. Bucky Larson – Born To Be A Star

Before you ask, I watched the majority of these when I was around 14. If I watched them now I might have a different opinion.

Back to Reviewing THIS Film…

So what is this film even about? Well at first, I thought it was going to be a parody of Quentin Tarantino’s H8ful Eight movie – a parody of a film which hasn’t even been released yet – but then I heard this was meant as a parody of the Magnificent Seven, so I guess I was wrong there. Either way, it’s about a group of western folk who come together in search of their long lost daddy. Long lost not because of circumstance, but because it suited the womanising outlaw lifestyle he had grown accustom to.

The story follows Adam Sandler who has grown up in an Indian Tribe. His name in the film is Tommy Stockburn, but he also goes by the name White Knife due to his skills and tendencies using  knifes. In the film he is dressed to look like a Native Indian and has a wife called Smoking Fox. His dad is called Screaming Hawk (or something like that. I forget now). Yes, these are cliches.

After finding his long lost dad by chance, he is told by him that he is dying and that he came to find him so that he can be shown where the hidden money is buried. At this point, a group of men on horses take him away from Tommy so that the dad can show him where the hidden money is buried. Bummer.

Tommy goes into a town with the intention to rob a bank. His plan once he has $50,000 is to give the kidnappers of his daddy the money they crave so that they can be reunited. Along the way his discovers by chance 5 other men, all of whom come from different mothers but all have the same father. His Father!!!!!!

Brothers from another mothers

The biggest problem this movie has is that it meanders in places and feels too drawn out for its type of comedy. The movie DID have a handful of belly laughs in it such as Steve Bucusmi as a Bartender/Dentist, the beginning fight scene where Adam’s character bamboozles a small gang, and some ass jokes from… a literal ass, and if it were to have 30 minutes cut from the movie, I’m sure I would have enjoyed the whole experience a lot more. This could have been a great movie for what it is (obviously it wasn’t made with the aim of nabbing an Oscar from Tom Hanks this year) but unfortunately in certain places, it falls as flat as the desert terrains they journey throughout this movie.

I’ll add here that if you liked early Sandler stuff ala Happy Gilmore, then you may like this film more than a lot of his recent output. You’ve got the lightning-visual gags thrown in sparingly with the quirky crowd people you tend to see in his early films, the romance element his character usually has, and the usual slapstick which makes his movies his own.

Overall, it’s not a great movie, but I think that’s always been the point of his movies – it’s not about greatness, it’s about just having a good time watching it. I’d say it’s worth a watch, but that’s just me. And as for the whole ‘racist’ thing the press was generating about this film – don’t take such a dumb ass film so seriously! There is so many more shocking films out there to huff about. Heck, look at the world right now. Look at the recent events of Paris. Look at Syria! Don’t get distracted in such PR nonsense regarding this film – watch it/don’t watch it, but don’t start political BS over a goofy comedy (but comments are welcome :)).

There isn’t really much else to say about this movie. I won’t spoil it anymore for you if you’re planning on watching it on Netflix anytime soon. I hear he has a contract deal with Netflix, meaning he has agreed to make another 3 more films exclusive to them, so who knows – in about a years time I might be reviewing another film of his.

But until then – take care. X

This would make a lovely postcard, don’t you think?

Luther (S1 Ep1) – TV Review

Welcome to the first of many instalments of Luther reviews. Having enjoyed this first episode so much, I am confident that I will watch the rest. It’s simply my cup of warm tea. So I hope you enjoy! :))

Right from the get go we know what kind of ride we’re in for – high voltage action and gripping drama. Luther, the star of the show played by Idris Elba, has just cornered a bad guy at the top of a metal structure inside of a crumbling warehouse. The villain is holding a pipe. When he comes at him, the structure collapses underneath his feet and now he is barely holding on with his fingertips from a high, high drop.

From this opening scene, we really see what kind of detective Luther is. He’s one of the good guys for sure, but he isn’t one who is afraid to push the boundaries. In this scene, even though the guy is asking for his help, Luther refuses to with an air of blasé about him. Once he’s gotten the information out of this guy of the whereabouts of the little girl, he tells the police force whom are already inside the home that she is behind the wall, inside of a suitcase. He waits until he can hear the girl breathing (they have to resuscitate her), and then he steps closer to the guy hanging on for dear life. But Luther is not one to show remorse, especially to those whom he considers have no conscious, and so lets the guy fall to his death. His moral mind overrided his law-bidding mind, and the result depending on which side of the fence you’re on, is justice.

What I find brilliant about this introduction to a series is that we, the audience, are thrown straight into the ending of a police case. So kudos to the write (Neil Cross) for not undermining the viewers and demonstrating that he respects our intellect. Cheers.

Even though Luther has a shaky background (and it also hints numerous times that he had suffered some kind of nervous breakdown), he seems back on his feet and is welcomed back into the police force. This means what he was doing before was not what he was ordered to, but something he was dedicated to. It says a lot about what happens to his relationship with his wife, which I’ll get onto in a bit.

Meanwhile, the next case revolves around the murder of two parents and a dead pet dog. No one was at the house at the time and no clues were left. Though their daughter was said to be somewhere else during this period, she is permitted to being interviewed at the station the following day.

Shaken, sleepless, and in shock – this is how Alice, the 18 year old daughter presents herself when being interviewed by Luther at the police station. She appears believable to him for the most part, up until the point where he yawns and leaves the room to get her a cup of tea. Outside the interview room, he tells his colleagues, watching the whole thing unfold on monitors the whole time, that she is the killer. How does he know this? Because she didn’t yawn when he yawned. At this point, it sounded to me that he was clutching at straws, but by the end of interview she had sussed out that he was onto her… and she liked it. Luther anticipated this, having already described her as a narcissist whom craves attention and needs the recognition to be shown how clever she is.

He demonstrates this by breaking into her house and stealing her dog’s urn. Inside the urn is melted bits of the gun which she planted in the dog, knowing fully well the cremation would destroy any fingerprints. Catching up with Luther at the bridge, she thrusts a kitchen knife into his body, but only as a threat, not to plunge in. And this is when he throws the urn into the river, knowing fully well that it was a trophy on her mantelpiece of how much of a criminal mastermind she is. By doing that, it hurt her.

So back to Luther’s personal life, and it is well and truly gone tits up in this arena. Because his wife believes that he hasn’t taken an interest in their relationship in some time, putting his work before them as the priority, she has been seeing someone else for quite some time. And when he comes to visit here in their home (they must have been separated yet we weren’t really told where Luther stays), he starts punching the panels out of the living room door. Yes – she’s finally told him. It’s a tough pill for him to swallow, and by the end of the episode he comes back to the house to tell her that he understands why now, and that he’s sorry. This coming after throwing her new lover out onto the bonnet of a car and the police swinging by.

The girl mastermind between her parents killings is an intriguing watch, not just because she is cold, calculated and twisted, but she is also sexy too. The way she teases Luther such as when he came to her house and she whispered in his ear, and how she puts the ball on the end of her hairpin to her lips seductively whilst scheming about her next move – this turns out to be threatening Luther’s wife outside her work building by holding it to her ear drum – will be interesting to see how this mixture of her odd personality will progress throughout the series. Will Luther fall prey to her charms, having lost his real love? Will loneliness get the better of him and lead him into murky situations? It is possible. The way this girl was studious enough to do her background research on him after their first interview says a lot about how she works. To me this means that once she finds out that the wife and him are well and truly over, she will pounce on this and exploit his weakness.

Until the next Luther episode review, take care. Comments and likes are appreciated :))

The Fi”X”ed Factor Final

This is my X Factor UK Grand Final RANT DIARY! If you feel like typing some of your own quick rants/comments at the bottom – feel free. Rant about whatever you like, just get it out of your system and move on to the next thing. 

Saturday 12th December 2015

So tonight on the telly was the X factor final, with Che Chesterman missing out on the last day of the show tomorrow. Boo-hoo – it’s all fixed anyhow.

Why am I saying this? I mean, isn’t it obvious? They all want Louisa Johnson to win and I have nothing against that because, out of the last three that were on that Wembley stage that night, she was by far the best singer. What needs addressing is the deliberate FAIL that went on TWICE when they put up the titles whereby the public watching on their TV sets get to see whom they are encouraged to vote for.

The first FAIL was the title roles where Louisa Johnson’s voice was put over the voting reel of both Che’s and Reggie and Bollie’s calling cards. You could hear the dampened sounds of judges/presenters laughing and the subtle sound of booing from the crowd. It was like they put someone on the mixing board in the editing room in control (it’s not rocket science to turn down a fader!!!!)

The second FAIL was the following title roles for the voting where Louisa was shown twice – once at the start of the voting titles, once at the end – with the other two acts only showing one of their performances instead of the two. Surely this is going to have a bias effect on the voting public, especially as most of those calling up will be young people whom don’t care about their parent(s) phone bills. The more time given to something, the more people are likely to buy into it (which is the whole point of this manu(x)factoring machine – to take your £$£$£$££$$).

So if you want to take a sip of Little Mix’s secret potion so that you that you can believe you can fly (and the whole Louisa as an angel in the clouds set up on stage is rather disturbing if you ask me), then be my guest.

The fact that Rod Stewart is on there says a lot about how dire the music industry has got since the turn of the 20th Century. With the decline of his once brilliant voice (you’ve lost it now, sorry Rod) and the decline of album and single sales, you’ve got legends like him (in some people’s eyes) who are veterans in this line of work whoring themselves out so that they can plug a Christmas album and tickets for their next big gig. Ticket sales now being the main source of income for these folks (even Rod Stewart and artists as big as him who no longer really need the money).

When people say that online piracy is the source of the diminished impact of music these days, I wholehearted disagree. I believe it is a corporation such as X factor and talent shows like it who bamboozle people with garbage like expertly disguised con-artists (judges who are actually just business men who care diddly squat about the music)  who have pacified the younger generation into funnelling their ambitions into poisonous narcissistic behaviours like wanting to be a pop stars

Sunday 13th December 2015

I just want real music to come back. Music where the artists all make their own music, put themselves into it instead of being pretty model actors for the opposite sex to be titillated by in the papers.

Where has the soul gone? Sure, Louisa won – shock! horror! But can you be surprised really when you hear Reggie and Barley (or whatever they’re called) sing like alley dogs to the winner’s song? I was amazed at how bad it was. Don’t believe me – look it up on YouTube if you want to run the risk of perforated eardrums. I noticed also how their mentor Cheryl only had this to say to them after that performance – “Good luck”. It was a non-contest final. A set up. How the $£%”@’ did singers such as 4th Impact not make the final? I guess it’s because they thought they wouldn’t make them the most money. They fit the bill for the happy-go-lucky theme of this series, but it seems that the moguls believe they can do less with them when marketing them as products/celebrities.

I mean no ill feeling towards these singers who enter these competitions, but what I do have a problem with is giving nations on a global scale (tailored towards the younger demographic) FALSE HOPE AND FALSE DREAMS. And I wouldn’t mind it so much if it hasn’t been going on for well over a decade now.

And did you see how Simon and Cheryl stood up before Louisa even finished her first rendition of the winner’s song? It just goes to show that they’re only in it for the money. Business is business to them, and that means sucking the money out of your banks and into their hands.

Carne – Bear Film Review

I’ve literally just watched Carne, so this should be a raw/Rawwwr Bear review. If you like it – like it! And of course, comments are appreciated and replied to.

NOTE: This is a review of a Gaspar Noe film, so may contain topics that would unsettle the squeamish. To give you an idea – this guy loves the film Salo by Pier Paolo Pasolini.

Now, the review…

REVIEW

Apparently, the consumption of horse meat is illegal everywhere in the whole entire world apart from France, and instead of calling it horse meat, they call it ‘Carne’ due to its colour and moderate pricing.

Carne is the name of his film. Apt choice, if you mind me saying.

The film is relatively short, coming in just shy of 40 minutes, but that’s the only thing shy about this piece of cinema by Gaspar Noe, and if you’ve seen anything about him, they you know how graphic his imagery can get. His ballsy approach to filmmaking is quite admirable in my opinion, and he really tests you to keep watching from the get go.

The Butcher

In Carne, it opens with the butcher – the main character of this film – in an abattoir, killing a real horse, slitting its throat on screen. Out of context, this is simply exploitation, but when considered with the rest of the story, it is such a bold move that I doubt many directors would ever consider putting such a scene in their film. I would go as far as to say it was the total opposite of exploitation and bought some truth to the viewer
as a reminder of the process our meat produce goes through before ending up on our plates.

Nevertheless, his life revolved around the handling of meat, which is divided only with the love of his daughter.

Let’s get one thing clear: the butcher is messed up in the head. That’s for sure. Since the birth of his daughter (yeah, we see that moment in the short film as well) he has been left to bring her up on his own. His wife wanted

nothing to do with the baby as she wanted a boy. Odd, but that’s how it played out. Now the messed up bit – it seemed to me that the butcher was fighting incestual thoughts off up until the moment he said early on in the film that his daughter had become a lady, and in his own words he said this: “And in a few months she became a lady. Her body changed. It was strange for me.” I don’t know about you, but that’s just fucked up. Don’t believe me? How about if I said he still washes her in the shower room. Yeah… thought so…

 The Daughter

As the film pushes on, it becomes apparent that the daughter never speaks. Not even at the dinner table. It’s as if she was brought up never to speak. That on its own is a sign of a bed relationship with his father. And this hidden world isn’t unnoticed by the strangers in the cafe he goes to sometimes. In one scene, he goes in there, orders the same drink he always does, and two guys in the corner mutter to themselves how he is a ‘nerd’. They say it in a way that suggests they can sense his creepiness.

As the daughter was growing up, her father would wait by her as she rode the mechanical horse ride for children. As she turned into a ‘lady’ as he put it, they stopped that. But when she stood there in her silent demeanour, by the horse, there was a guy there whom kept asking her if she was alright. And then he asked if she wanted to ride the horse, and stuck a coin into the slot. It then cuts to the guy trying to get it on with the butcher’s daughter, but she keeps trying to pull away. Next thing we know, the butcher finds out, tracks the guy down, and beats the living daylights out of him. He gets put in jail for some time. As a result, his lawyer comes into his cell and manages to persuade him to sign the deeds of the butchers over, so that he can get out of jail quicker.

The Release

Getting out of jail (and convincing himself he’s not gay due to his cell mate’s offerings), he goes straight to the cafe and orders his drink. The ‘fat woman’ who serves him all the time is still there, and he’s always banging on about how he wants to bang her. And in the end, he does.

Unfortunately, in his perception that is, he gets her pregnant, and he tries to correct this by doing her hard from behind, penetrating the fetus so that it miscarriages. Not my words… I guess the butcher just likes to butcher everything, judging by the way he speaks in his head, and sometimes acts out.

The end of the film ends in an Eraserheadesque flickering of nightmarish images of faces in the dark, and then it’s all over. For a short film, it sure does have quite an effect on you, that’s for sure. Would I watch it again? NO. But did I think it was a good film. YES.

Recommended?

I recommend this to film lovers who:

a. Have a strong stomach.
b. Are open minded.
c. Aren’t vegetarian.

P.S if you can speak french or read French subtitles… voila! The video:

 

 

Panic Room – Bear Film review

Don’t panic! Said Jones from Dad’s Army, so at 10 pm at night I braced myself behind my cushion, and started watching Panic Room. It’s a habit of mine to watch movies late at night – I don’t know why but I just love watching flicks in the dark. I guess it just adds to the atmosphere of the whole 90+ minute journey. But enough about my dirty night time habits – what did I think about the movie?

I’ll tell ya…

We Begin With…

The film opens with Meg, the mother, screwing her ex husband – financially speaking (c’mon peeps, get your head out of the gutters and look up to the stars, as dear William Blake might have eluded to). She does this by buying the biggest house on the market, it would seem. The thing that seals the deal for her is The Safe Room, AKA The Panic Room. This room is impenetrable, meaning if you lock yourself inside it, no-one on the outside can get in. This is mighty handy considering what happens later on in the film (yes, hold your horses – I’ll be telling ya soon).

And so herself and her daughter leave in this house that includes early scene product placement such as Coke Cola, Evian (God, how they love that shit!), and Nokia (they old school mobile gives away the era this film comes from perfectly. Other products are available. Oh! The mother is played by Jodie Foster, and the daughter would you believe it, is played by a young Kristen of Twilight fame (RANT: read the book – hated it. I’ve read On The Road as well, which apparently she stars in, and I hated that book too… and I read it twice to make sure. I plan on not watching either because of this. RANT OVER!). Throughout the majority of the film, I thought that she was a boy. How I laughed when I realised she wasn’t.

$3 million is actually $22 million

Various Methods

What they did

Various methods were used to try and coax the mother-daughter burden out from the Panic Room. After one of the guys told the other two how the room was virtually indestructible, they brought in a Propane canister and attached a long hose pipe to it. This would leak gas into their space by  feeding the hose through the air vent to them. The mother tried to block the gas entering their space by using duct tape to seal the air vents, but when that didn’t work the mother found a BBQ light and set that mutha alight. BOOM! The canister went… you know… BOOM!

After communicating with them via the home security cameras, using sign boards as they weren’t aware that the intercom was a two-way device, it became apparent the them that the mother and daughter weren’t going to risk coming out even though they said they weren’t going to hurt them. As the viewer of this film would have known by now, the burguarers are only interested in what’s in the hidden safe in the Panic Room, and that my internet friend, is 3 million dollars. That’s what Colin Farrell’s character tells them, but eventually we find out that he was selling them a load of old tosh, and because of that, he got a bullet through the head by Raul, the guy who wore a ski mask for 99% of the movie. I guess some people are just camera shy.

They tried smashing the ceiling directly underneath the Panic Room. Needless to say that was a stupid idea.

 

What she did

Rips wiring out of wall cavity to connect disconnected phone to police. The police, being a bitch, put her on hold, and so she hung up and tried ringing her ex husband. Dang! That’s gotta sting. The three guys rush downstairs into the basement, and smash a sledgehammer into the electric mains, terminateing that call prematurely (probably the same reason she left her husband. Just speculating as I thought he looked quite old for her).
Flashlight through pipe hole in wall. For some reason, after gaining the attention of the woman in the apartment across from them, they decide to then hault the SOS signals and shout for help through the hole. Damn! All that propane made then go dog IQ and shit. Beggars belief. And of course, the chunky lady across from them can’t hear them, so loses interest and closes the curtains. To be honest, I’m surprised the flashlight could reach that far as it was quite some distance it would have to travel to connect with the woman’s retinas.
They also tried shouting at a wall at one point, thinking their next door neighbours could hear them. WRONG!

A lot more happens later in this film which I won’t want to spoil for you, so I’ll just leave it to you to get around to it when you can, if you wanna that is…

I’d watch it in a few years time. Worth another ganders for sure.

The Roommate – Bear Film Review

Hey you xxx. How have I been? Swell hun thanks. You always know how to brighten up my blog days. And Xmas is coming! Guess what I got you – an early Christmas present! I know, I shouldn’t have.

So here’s the review…

I can think of many great films I’ve seen over the years that were slow builders in suspense and kept you guessing throughout.

The Roommate was not one of them.

Sure it kept me guessing, but for all the wrong reasons. I want to know what was going through the director’s head when he saw the first 30 minutes of this steaming pile of TV movie yawn-fest, because NOTHING happens until we get to this part. All we know is that we have a female lead character, moving into a university, she has two friends, a love interest, and a roommate. That is all. 30 minutes never to get back in my life. Thanks.

The rest of the film is about how this leading protagonist is completely oblivious to her roommates psychotic behaviour. This roommate of hers is a pretty blonde girl who seems to admire her somewhat, a bit too much. She is the jealous type who rips belly piercings out from your friends when they’re in the shower, invites you to her parents house without letting them know, introduces you to old friends who were never really friends, who stabs your ex boyfriend with a stanley knife just to keep him from bugging you (that O’ chestnut!), and gets a tattoo of your name in the same spot on her body where you got a tattoo in memory of your dead sister… and tells you that we can be sisters?!? Don’t believe me – watch the film, at your peril (cos it is shit). But yes, she is indeed more barmier that  your nan on acid dancing to Glenn Miller.

I was a bit offended by the film in the end actually. It’s a bland piece of cake to swallow granted, but what rubbed me the wrong way the most was that they end up killing her. She needed help, not a stanley in the back! And the main girl in this film is a constant idiot for not telling her roommate to take her anti-psychotic pills. The mother told her about it and she STILL didn’t do anything about it, deciding to turn a blind eye. Okay, I’m aware that she nearly kills you in the end, but surely you and your new love interest – who also knows she is either schizophrenic or bi-polar (as her medication bottle says) – could have restrained her. It was two against one, and one of you was a jock!

In Conclusion

Dull as dishwater! If you like that, you’re in for a treat.

Sadly, I am not a fan of dishwater, and never have been. I guess there was one time when I washed this mug after accidentally leaving on the windowsill of a week… that was interesting to clean, and dare I say more enjoyable that having to endure this film, The Roommate. (Eureka!). I mean, even the title is void of imagination, and I’m beginning to think it is my own fault for even choosing to watch it. Damn this irrational brainbox of mine.

I’ll stop there because I think I’ve sold it enough for you.

Have fun. x

Sinister (Film Review)

We all love our draft box don’t we? Well I was just going through my own draft box on WordPress and came across this review. It’s a bit shabby, but I think it’s worth a browse…

A crime writer moves house to where a family were hung up on the tree to die. Hilarious how the broken branch was still there when they moved in.
Sheriff directly tells writer he should move out of this town before he destroys it will his selfish ways, referring to the ‘circus’ which I assume is slang from media, or perhaps a metaphor for the (wait for it…) sinister things that at about to happen.

When you get a box full of film evidence, what do you do: the smart, logical action, or the downright idiotic? The writer chooses the latter, and all because he has his head too far up himself to realise how much danger he is putting him, and his family in. To me, it seems like his career is paramount to him, and his family have to fall in line with his desire which is to write a second best seller.

Scorpion in attic – breaks floorboard. Latter – a snake (he falls thru ceiling. sees footage of ghost arms dragging him through) And a piece of paper of kid drawing of the death events, and the label of MR BOOGIE.

Officer so-and-so  wants to help so he can get acknowledgement in next book
Occult expert – talks to him over webvideo chat.

Pins printed vid stills – one with masked killer (he thinks) in the bushes. He holds the pic up to the window to compare it.
Boy gets night terrors (first – in box. second – in bushes outside)

Each family died, accept one missing kid. The deaths were – pool drowning, hanging tree, car fire in garage, and some others I forgot.

Why doesn’t the wife get her kids and just leave?

The occult expert tells him that the symbols he finds in the videos are indeed occult, but esoteric ones at that. People use to believe that if you copied the actions of some certain drawings, then you will take on that spirit. I dunno what that means, but what I do know is that the first drawing was of the scorpion. And then officer so-and-so (that’s the name on his phone) tells the writer that he shouldn’t have moved out of town as he has solved the pattern to the crime: after each family death, the next family death occurs when that new family moves into the dead families house, and then moves out into another. They die in the new house and the cycle continues. The writer has just been told his death, and his families.

The girl kills them with an axe and videos it all on some ancient handheld camcorder. We then see all the draws along the wall, but now they are all drawn in blood.

The film ends with the little girl being picked up by Mr Boogie, and entering the video projection screen, where she is taken down a corridor, into her eternal curse. Evil owns her soul now.

The acting was good, but the story. Hell, the story was bad. The writer and family did so many things no normal person would do. And this kind of film has been done before so many times it’s become cliché. Boring!

I enjoyed watching it though, mainly because I liked to laugh at the ridiculous storyline, so at least it kept me entertained.