BEAR Reviews… Scream

Welcome human people! I am BEAR, and my week was fine thank you. Every film review will have spoilers, so SPOILER ALERT: THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SPOILERS IN THIS BLOG. PERIOD. BEAR can’t tell you what to do – you are your own human person, and I am my own BEAR, with my BEARclaws and my BEARnessnessnesses. This has been an automated BEARmessage.


“Everybody dies but us. We get to carry on and plan the sequel, ’cause Let’s face it baby, these days, you gotta have a sequel.” ~Stu (a character in the film)

“I disagree.” ~BEAR (The writer of this film review blog)

A question for you:

What do you get when you mix a multitude of horror movie clichés with an abundance of name-drops to previous horror classics? You get Scream, of course. My second question is: did you not read the title to this entry? No? – Shame on you, but you are forgiven. Yes? – Oh well, please forgive BEAR. You do? Great. We continue…

The first thirteen minutes of the film are, in my BEAR opinion, the best part of this film. That’s not to say the film as a whole is rubbish (because it’s not – I, a BEAR, was quite fond of this cheesy little number) it’s just that BEAR believes it is… neat! It begins with a girl, home alone (I don’t know her name – BEAR doesn’t give a BEAR-care about names, just the story and how BEAR feels when watching the story… plus… she dies in this scene, so what’s the point? What BEAR does remember is that she is played by Drew Barrymore, so BEAR was expecting her to be the protagonist, the main star of this film; but alas, BEAR was wrong. I liked how it messed with my expectations, so kudos). This girl picks up her house phone to engage in a call with a mysterious guy caller. She ends the call abruptly several times – this first starts off as a flirtatious interchange between them, until the mystery caller lets slip that he is watching her. The mood then switches to trepidation, and the girl locks the french doors. BEAR did find it amusing that there were no curtains to conceal any windows, and that the girl didn’t JUST HANG UP TO RING THE POLICE!!!!! But BEAR also understood quickly (I am smarter than that Yogi Bear) that this film was bound to be cheesy, as the movie quickly established that fact. I also was amazed she never took the pan of popcorn off the burner when she had the chance. Her parents would have been thankful to her, even though, inevitably, she would have died by then.

After doing an eight-second news research on Scream, BEAR found out that Scream is being turned into a new Scream TV show… and they’re going to re-enact my favourite part of it! BEAR can’t help suggest they use Drew Barrymore again to play that part as she nailed that whole scene the first time around. Note: BEAR sometimes likes to say silly billy things. And this is a nice segue to…

BILLY!

Yes, after Drew Barrymore’s boyfriend gets disembowelled in a chair, in the garden, and her character is hanging [tough until the director said ‘CUT!’], we move to a scene where Billy scares the B-Jesus out of the real protagonist:

SIDNEY!

They are boyfriend and girlfriend, in this film. And throughout the movie, Sidney doesn’t trust him on so many levels (BEAR update: it’s two levels, in fact).

And as that meme above clearly shows – the killer in the film is not one, but two human people!!! The guy holding Sidney is obviously Billy (see previous meme before the one above), but who is the guy with the gun? Why, it’s none other than Sidney’s-best-friend’s-boyfriend, Stu. BEAR can see that he hasn’t talked much about Stu, and his girlfriend Tatum, and has no intention to do so. I am a living, breathing BEAR, and like you I can’t just stay on the internets 24/7… I will however say that Stu is like a timid cat compared to Billy, who is the dominant cat who gets the (s)cream. Yes, I’m punny! I also want to mention the hilarious scene where Tatum goes to get alcohol from the garage, and then finds herself trapped in the cat-flap, only to be crushed by it as the masked murderer opens the garage door. (The cat-flap was part of it. I… you’ve seen this film haven’t you?) One more shout out: The Fonz was in this! He helped move the film along by being killed by the Ghostfaced Killer (also a good rapper), and getting the majority of the kids to leave the party to help move the movie along swiftly to the finale. Happy days…

All the way through the film, I (with my BEAR logic) thought it was Sidney’s dad who was the killer. He’d left Sidney, his daughter, all on her own as he went to a hotel airport to tend to some “work business” stuff. This confused me, an actual BEAR, because if it was a year-to-almost-this-day that your wife had been brutally killed, you wouldn’t leave your beloved daughter home alone, would you? I mean c’mon – I’m a BEAR, and even I know that. It’s just not on! But then I remembered this is a film, and I must apologise to you bloggers and blog readers: sometimes this BEAR gets emotionally sucked into this make-believe world a tad more than the film doctors ordered. (No, I don’t have a film doctor, because they don’t exist… I think). Where was I…

So yeah, Sidney’s dad deserves a slap ’cause he left her vulnerable daughter alone around the anniversary of her mother’s death. But it’s not just him: her friends all seem to take the Mickey Mouse out of her too. As does the whole school. I mean, some pranksters wore masks, and in my BEARbook, that is a poisonous berry you should not indulge in (Note-to-self: visit the berry bush around the corner from my cave after I’ve finished this entry).  How can you human peoples be so cowardly and hurtful to each other? Please, please, just love one another, okay? We are only on this planet for a short timespan, so could we all just get along and enjoy the party of life? Party… hahahhaar… Aha! They invite Sidney to a house party don’t they? This moment was the facepalm of the film for me.

Who invites someone to a party around that time in someone’s life, especially a friend? It makes me think that this girl Sidney must have done something rotten to all those she loved before I started watching, and I have no idea what she did because she seems like such a lovely girl, and… I’ve forgotten it’s a movie again, haven’t it?

Even though Scream is most definitely a cheese-a-thon, BEAR had a great experience watching this human film. I loved it… but I hear that there is not just one Scream, but several more. NO! Stop it! You don’t throw more cheese on cheese. When I’ve eaten a belly full of berries, I don’t immediately go, “Damn, I must eat more, more, more, before Joseph TheBerryBandit comes and steals my berries. You don’t need to worry about other people copying Scream if that’s what you’re worried about film maker humans: the original is always the best in my book. Unless, it’s about another issue unrelated to that, like money

The amount of references to previous horror films in this, you would have thought this was Quentin Tarantino’s wet dream. And I liked it! Not the inducement of a director’s subconscious ejaculation, but the way the characters in this highlighted the flaws in horror films, and using it to justify things that happen in the film. For example, Billy says to Sidney, “Corn syrup: the same stuff they use for pig’s blood in Carrie,” when she thought that he was stabbed to death in the bedroom.

Does this BEAR like Scream? Hell yesh! This film works for BEAR because it is so confident in its own cheese; and because it this, it is definitely BEAR’s cup of tea. It’s definitely not BEAR’s favourite film – nowhere near (BEAR’s fav film is ****), but it is sure a fun, lighthearted, slasher movie, with sentiments-to-the-horror-genre-that-spawned-it turned up to 11. So…………

Overall, I give Scream:

I’ll leave you with the death scenes:

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